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These are my rants. Some of the things that have gone through my head. If you are the kind that is easily offended then I beg you not to read on. I’m serious, don’t.

During a Revlon Cancer Walk/Run for Women, I noticed this lady in front of me pulling a carry-on bag. You know the kind, the one with the long handle with wheels that you see everyone pulling at the airport. This one was slightly modified, it was bright pink with sparkly stuff all over it. As I got closer, an ugly unsettling feeling came over me. Yup, there they are. Two Pomeranians... They were peeking out through an opening at the top of the bag with a ‘what the heck are we doing here’ look on their face. They were both wearing cute little sweaters that probably cost more than my whole outfit(including my $120 pair of running shoes that some kid in a third world country made for $1.25). I personally believe that one of the silliest things people do is dress animals. And just so you know that I’m not just whistling Dixie out my butt, I did a little research. These “dog carriers” aren’t cheap. A carrier similar to what this lady had would roughly cost $200. The sweaters on the dogs cost around $80 each. So that’s about $360 give or take. Again, let me remind you where this lady was. The Revlon Cancer Walk/Run for Women. It’s a fundraiser to fight cancer. $360 would have been a nice donation. And to make another point, humans, for the most part have two legs. Dogs, have four. This lady was pulling two dogs in a puppy freakin’ chariot. If I would have had a muffin on me, I would have thrown it at her. So the next time you get an urge to dress your pet, take a moment and think about it. In fact, why don’t you get down on one knee and ask Princess if she would like to wear a sweater today. And if she could talk, I swear to you this is what she would say, “I’m a freakin’ dog you idiot, I’m covered in fur!”

We live in a world where men are paid millions and millions of dollars to put a ball through a hoop. While teachers responsible for educating our children need a second source of income just to pay their mortgage. We’re all going to hell.

Current events have no effect on the price of oil. We’ve all been fooled.

I was on a plane, heading nowhere special. In the seats behind me were three young business people, two girls and one guy. Most of the time I have my headphones on with the music cranked up trying to force myself to fall asleep. But not this time. This time the headphones were giving me a headache. So I just sat there trying to read a magazine and every now and then I would listen to everyone’s conversations around me. The folks behind, for the most part, just talked about work, mission statements and bottom lines. Out of nowhere, one of the girls asks the other two, “you know what really gets my goat?” And on cue, the other two chimed in with “what Courtney?” But Courtney just didn’t say what gets her goat, she went on and said how much this ‘thing’ really bothers her and how better the world would be if this ‘thing’ never existed. At this point I almost turned around and demanded she told us what gets her goat. Thank goodness one of the other two finally said, “just tell us Courtney.” And I kid you not, this is what Courtney said, “Those stickers they put on apples, that’s what gets my goat. How do you get it off without leaving all that sticky stuff on the apple?” Then the other girl says, “try wiping it off with olive oil.” And then the guy says, “Ya, I totally know what you mean Courtney.” Seriously, that’s exactly how it went down. I wish I was sitting in their row, I would have given all of them a big one swipe ‘3 Stooges’ slap in the face. Headache or not, I put my headphones back on.

What does “get my goat” mean anyway? I mean, what would I be doing with a goat? And who or what would be getting it and why would they be getting it? Personally, if I had a goat, I would probably just give it away. They’re a handful. Unless I was hungry of course, or if I had a family to feed, or if I lived someplace where goat was a form of currency. Then that would mean I’m poor, cause I only have one goat... I need to get me more goats.

If love don’t cost a thing, then why are weddings so damn expensive?

I like it when humans try to exploit animals like grizzly bears by having them act humanlike in front of a camera, while a reporter stands by and tells us how cute it is that the bear has an apron on and has learned to pour tea. I sit there and watch, anticipating, wishing in a soft whisper, “please attack him... it’s okay, you’re a bear, that’s what you’re suppose to do. Please bear, get him.”

If you’re not on the phone and you’re not expecting a call this immediate moment, take your freakin’ bluetooth headset off! You’re not on the USS Enterprise and Spock is not going to ask you to beam him up. It looks silly. We get it. Your phone has bluetooth. And yes we know those things are expensive.

Let’s say I don’t believe in God, but I lived a very good life. By a good life I mean I was a good human being. When I die, would I be able to get into heaven? Or does the mere act of not believing in God make everything good I’ve done in my life null and void? That would suck. The incident will go down like this...
St. P- Hey what’s up Dondi? How are you doing?
Dondi- What’s up St. Peter. I could be better, I could still be alive.
St. P- Yeah I know what you mean. Sorry about that.
Dondi- It’s all cool. Can’t live forever.
St. P- Hey Dondi I got some bad news. Good G’ didn’t put your name down on the list.
Dondi- Well that sucks. Do you know why?
St. P- Something about you not believing in him.
Dondi- Man this bites. Do you think I can talk to him?
St. P- Let me see if he’s busy. (talks into an intercom) God? It’s Peter at the gate. We have a situation here. Can you come down please?
Dondi- Thanks St. Peter, I owe you one.
(A few moments later God comes gliding in)
God- Hey Dondi, how’s it hanging?
Dondi- You know how it is, a rocking and a rollling. 
God- What seems to be the problem?
Dondi- I’m not on the list to get in, that’s the problem.
God- Well Dondi, you didn’t believe in me. I can’t let you in if you don’t believe in me.
Dondi- But I’m a good person. I did a lot of really cool things for other people.
God- I know you did but thems are the breaks.
Dondi- What about the dude in the wheelchair that I saved from falling down the ravine? All the money I raised for charity? All the people I made laugh? There’s more...
God- Yeah I know Dondi. You did some really cool things. But you didn’t believe in me.
Dondi- Well it’s not like you ever did anything to make me believe in you. Come on man, you let some fanaticals crash planes into the WTC killing thousands of innocent people. And don’t get me started on free will. Those people burning to death had no free will. Oh yeah, what about the freakin’ tsunamis man? Come on! Like those countries didn’t have it bad enough? And cancer? Aids? If it was their time to go couldn’t you just turn out the light? Why do they have to suffer? It’s nonsense!
God- You should have believed in me Dondi.
Dondi- That’s pretty self-centered of you. Well anyways, take care of the people I love in there and tell them I said hello. Guess I’ll go kick rocks with Lucifer. Where’s the nearest In-N-Out around here? Oh by the way, nice beard. I’m outta here. 

There was this lady driving a brand new Volvo station-wagon in front of me. On her rear bumper she had a sticker that read “no blood for oil.” I don’t think anyone should have this sticker unless they’re riding a bicycle or walking. It’s nonsense. Maybe she drives one of those new cars that runs on hopes and dreams? Maybe.

One day my little niece had a friend over and they were playing in the bedroom. Out of nowhere I heard a scream. My brother-in-law and I ran in to find out it was just a lizard that startled the girls. We spent close to an hour moving furniture around and trying to catch this lizard without hurting it. When we finally did catch it, someone had a brilliant idea to send the lizard over to Mr. Newman’s house, the neighbor across the street. So, on our side of the street we had a big ceremony to send the lizard off, somewhat similar to a casting of a new ship. I opened up the shoe box we had the lizard in and softly tapped him out. We all cheered and encouraged him to go towards Newman’s house. Everything was going well when out of nowhere... Squish!... A car ran over the lizard.

3:36 am. Just got home from playing poker all night. What's up with that? Does this mean I'm gonna have to invest in an iSight? Yeah this year's been pretty interesting at the least. I say next year we move up to arson. Let's burn something. Shouldn't have had that last cup of coffee (or that last bottle of Corona). I'm so freakin' wired right now. Anyways, I appreciate you all too. Seriously. Especially with all that I've been through this year. I was really lucky having you all there for me when the shit hit the fan. Now that it's all over, I can honestly say that I'm glad I went through it. I found out a lot about my family and friends. Things I wouldn't have found out if I didn't have my heart thrown into a meat grinder and then served to me on a plain white bun with no cheese or any type of seasoning. It was really bland and hard to chew. And after I swallowed it, it just made my stomach hurt. The pain was worth it. I'm rambling, fuck it. Blame the alcohol or the caffeine. Mike, we're suppose to be rock stars. I'll take this opportunity to hand out some advice(since I'm the oldest). Take it or leave it. Dang I gotta be up in 5 hours. He who hesitates, masturbates. When it comes to relationships, don't think, just jump in. Don't reason with it, reason makes cowards of us all. If it's falling, catch it. You can always drop it later. But if you do drop it later, I kid you not, for the love of everything that is beautiful, don't ever pick it back up again. It never works. Take chances, no matter how foolish you might look in the end. Life in general is fucked up. It's just the way it is. And as humans, that's the way we made it. It's in our nature to ruin things. The only thing we can do is take care of ourselves and the ones we love within our immediate circle and hopefully it will have a ripple effect. At least once in everybody's lifetime there will come a time when we have to stand up and fight for what we believe in. No matter how many people think you're wrong. And no matter how hopeless it seems. If you gotta get into a fight, make sure that you are in the right. There's nothing worse than getting your ass kicked for being an asshole. Not that I know. At least you can still have your pride after you get your ass kicked if you were standing up for what is right. And if you do get in a fight and there's no getting out of it, do this. Tell him/her "look, I don't want to fight you" and then turn like you’re gonna walk away and then spin around and throw the hardest right cross(right to left, except if you're left handed then it would be the other way around) that you can. Aim for the chin. If you do it right, this should knock them out or at least lay them down. But for the love of god, if there's still life in them and you think he/she is aware enough to fight back, don't let up. Hit him/her again. And again. Trouble's breath stinks. It was French Vanilla. Remember Bernice's boyfriend? He was sooo huge and she was so tiny. The dam tour. When's the last time you toilet papered someone's house? I can't believe I just bought the soundtrack to The Sound of Music off iTunes. Oh wait,.. yeah I do believe it. In every little town, in every little country, you will find the love or your life. Sometimes the thing we need the most isn't exactly what we are looking for. What movie is this from? "I would rather be with someone for all the wrong reasons than to be alone for all the right reasons." The person in the Mickey Mouse costume at Disneyland, when he takes pictures with little kids, does he smile inside the mask? Think about it. I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride. Who said this? "Brrrrrrrrrr, t t this c'can't go on." Remember when Jodi wore the belt clip button on her forehead? Happy New Year. I change my mind, if the world was on fire, you would all be the first ones I carry out. Right after my family of course. You know how it is. I gotta pee. Laters.

There’s a nice couple sitting next to me. They’ve been stuck in Denver for three days cause of all the snow. They’re on vacation. They were suppose to have been in LA three days ago. Now they only have two days left. Sucks.

While driving on the freeway, the car in the next lane started drifting into my lane. I gave my horn a light tap just to let him know so that we don’t hit. He straightened his car. When we got side to side he looked at me like I did something wrong. Then he got back on his cellphone. 

One day, me and some friends were just walking down this street killing time, waiting for the day to break. We then came upon a dead cat laying in the gutter. Rigormortis had already settled in. One of my friends decided to prop the dead cat up against the sidewalk using his skateboard. The cat had died in a position that when we stood it up it looked like it was in stride. We then sat ourselves across the street and watched the reactions of the people passing by as they saw this cat standing frozen in the gutter. Now it seems like a pretty cruel thing to do to a dead cat, but back then, for a group of high school kids, it was pretty funny. I confess, to this day, I still chuckle about it.

There’s a voice in my head that keeps telling me to kick 6 out of every 10 people I meet right in the shin. Because they deserve it. At least that’s what the voice in my head is telling me. His theory is that somewhere along the way 6 out of 10 people will commit an act so heinous that they deserve to get kicked in the shin. But now, I’m older and wiser, I can honestly say that it should be 10 out of 10. I should kick everyone in the shin. And hard. Starting with myself. Twice. 

The other night Sydney and I were walking around Pasadena when this homeless person walked up to us and asked us for spare change. Neither one of us had any. I asked him if he was hungry. He said yes. I then asked him if I could buy him a sandwich instead. He said yes. We walked into a nearby coffee shop and I had him order whatever he wanted off the menu. I paid for it and I handed him his number. And he just tipped his chin up at me as I walked away. No ‘thank you.’ Nothing. All I wanted was a ‘thank you.’ Oh well, probably the fifth sandwich he’s had that day.

I was in line the other day at the bank and the man behind me was tail-gating. Everytime the line moved up, I would take two steps forward, and he would take two and a half steps. It finally got to where, if he wanted to, he could rest his chin on my shoulder. It was really obvious to everyone. They probably all thought we were dating. The instant a teller became available he tapped me on the shoulder and he said ‘right there, right there.’ Before I walked forward, I turned around and asked the man ‘who made you line monitor?’ Everyone in line got a kick out of that. We ended up dating for about a month... just kidding.

So, I was in Vegas working a couple of weeks ago. The client had placed the entire crew in The Flamingo Hotel. My first time there. I couldn’t care less where I stay as long as it has a bed and a shower. Someone at the hotel had told me that there’s a garden in The Flamingo where they actually have flamingos and other types of tropical birds. Flamingos at The Flamingo, how peculiar? Anyways. One afternoon I decided to take a stroll out to the garden and take a gander at the flamingos. “Oh, how cute, they really are that color. They look like they were spray painted. Oh and look, there’s penguins. That’s a cool looking swan.” And then out of nowhere, like a gunshot that shatters a quiet night, or like a streaker at a little league baseball game, this thing, this grotesque freak of nature goes running by my feet. I swear, it was ten feet tall if it was a foot. As it ran by, it looked at me with it’s red evil eyes. Then I gave out a scream that even a ten year old little girl would be proud of. It was actually more like a shriek. I grabbed the old lady’s arm standing next to me and I shouted, “what the heck was that!?”... Immediately after the lady finished beating me with her purse, I ran back into my room and hid underneath my sheets. I swear when that thing went running by I could have sworn I heard it say, “I’m going to eat you dondi, I’m going to eat you, ha ha ha....” I know you’re probably laughing as you read this. But you’re not going to think it’s so funny when a giant, red eyed, evil, bald headed, turkey cousin, wearing a boa around it’s neck, monster of a bird actually does eat me.... Wait a minute.....What was that noise?... Sounded like bird footsteps.... I better go check it ou......aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!

The day I tried to live,.. actually, this day hasn’t happened yet.

There I was eating lunch inside Vons Pavillon(grocery store). I was alone but not by myself. Around me 15 to 20 other folks. All of them white, I was the only person there of color. To my right was a family of four. The little boy looks at me so I make a funny face at him. He laughs. The mother is helping her daughter with what I assumed was homework. We make eye contact and we smile. The father has his face buried in the sports page. To my left I notice a man, a white man, in his eighties, walking towards me. He’s pushing a cart, using it to balance himself as he walks. His face looks as if he’d suffer a stroke in the past. At twenty feet away I noticed he’s looking directly at me. Ten feet later, he hasn’t looked away. At five feet, I smiled at him and asked him how he’s doing. He replies, “why don’t you go back to the jungle where you belong and quit bothering those kids.” I didn’t think I heard him right, so I said, “I’m sorry?” And he said it again. Not just for me to hear, but for everyone else who was willing to listen. “Why don’t you go back to the jungle where you belong and quit bothering those kids.” It’s exactly what he said the first time. I did hear him correctly. In an instant I started trying to come up with reasons why this man would say that to me. At first I thought, maybe he’s just a bigot. I should just walk up to him, pull the cart from under him, push him down to the ground and kick him repeatedly in the ribs. But that wouldn’t have been nice. And then I figured at his age, he probably fought in WWII somewhere in the South Pacific. His best friend probably had his head blown off by a Japanese sniper. Some ignorant folks have now and then mistaken me for being Japanese. And then there’s also a chance that this man might just be senile. For all that, I am okay with what he said to me. I smiled at him and said, “Okay, well you take care of yourself.” He turns and walks away. It was quite obvious that everyone around me heard what the man said. As I looked around, they all had buried their heads into their own business. They all looked away from me, not wanting to make eye contact. Waiting for that uncomfortable moment to pass. All I needed was for somebody to look at me and smile again. Just to let me know that they all didn’t feel that way. I got nothing. Oh well. I’ll just go get me some ice cream.

My idealistic dreams have suffered a realistic death.
If you can't find what you're looking for, maybe you should start looking for something else. Cause if you haven't found it by now, the silly thing probably doesn't exist. Or even worse, you weren't meant to find it. For your sake, I hope I'm wrong. I hope you do find it. I hope it makes you happy beyond your wildest dreams. And I hope you never come to the ugly realization that it was something else entirely different that you were looking for.
626.627.5891 dondi@dondilicious.com